Thanks for this. I relate on so many levels! I've been Orthodox for 11 years and I feel stuck in the Narthex. I'm always more comfortable on the threshold looking in. I last about 20 minutes in a service and then I start getting very very anxious. What do you make of this situation? I'd rather commune with the Logos in a field or by a stream.
The fact that you're even asking is a sign of grace; you should know that.
It's difficult to give very specific advice not knowing more, but I'll try to cast a quite wide net in the hopes that there's something in what I say below that is of help to your specific situation, or may be of help to any other passers-by. So forgive the meandering. But at the outset, I don't think your situation is all that uncommon for many Christians.
If I remember the Orthodox liturgy with any degree of accuracy, I would anticipate that about 20 minutes in, the liturgy is beginning to shift away from the readings and toward the preparation of Communion. Is that right? (And I apologize for my use of any Catholic terms that don't quite translate over to Orthodoxy as well. Orthodoxy is its own world in many ways!)
Have you read any René Girard? If not, he proposes a theory of "mimetic desire" -- we want things because other people want them; this can result in scapegoating violence that "resets" societies and allows them to continue in peace, and Christ alone is the One Who "reveals the things hidden since the foundation of the world", that the Innocent Victim, manifested fully in the Person of Christ, is the groundswell of the world.
So I actually think it's extremely natural that you would have anxiety, particularly if it's as you approach Communion. It's not comfortable for us ordinary people to look at this reality directly, because we're all complicit to one degree or another in this violence against the Innocent Victim. "It hurts too much to look", like Moses at the burning bush... In one sense, the path to sainthood could be viewed as a progression to becoming more comfortable approaching the Innocent Victim as they are. Theosis is a kind of burning off. That's not necessarily enjoyable, in and of itself. So I think of course you would want to commune with the Logos in a field or by a stream, in nature, far removed from the reality of eating the Flesh and Blood, the cannibalistic meal of human sacrifice that is told to you directly (as it only is in Christianity) and explains to you who you are. The stream or the field gives your mind space from this. If you're interested in reading Girard, I recommend "Violence and the Sacred" (I would read this one first) and "I See Satan Fall Like Lightning", the latter of which is exclusively focused on the Christian story. His magisterial work is "Things Hidden Since the Foundation of the World" but it's quite a dense tome.
But what do you do about the anxiety? I think you can only overcome the anxiety of approaching the Innocent Victim -- the anxiety of becoming deconstructed in front of Him -- with desire, desire for His Love, and desire to know Him. You may have had the experience of falling in love with someone who was absolutely reckless, highly argumentative, difficult, and terrible for you, and all sorts of the wrong person, but you were compelled by your desire for them, being captivated by their beauty, their charm, certain quirks of their personality, to move toward them, be closer to them... It's sort of like that with the Savior, I think, but with all the terrible parts replaced with only good things. You want to become really moved by Him such that you can't imagine ever moving away from the spot by the burning bush, even if you know, on some level, that you'll be consumed in it, too....
But how do you do even that? Prayer, surrender. A lot of prayer, but it has to be the transformative kind. It's extremely, extremely easy in the Christian life to see prayer as a checklist, something to be done, but that's not quite it. In my own experience, there's a way of praying where I'm consciously praying and I'm consciously encouraging my heart while I'm praying to move closer toward Him, to open up more to Him, earnestly trying to will myself into a desire further union and communion with Him. I'm not just saying the words -- but that is meaningful, too -- but I'm using the prayer as a means of accessing a deeper state of union with Him.
Where I would recommend starting, not knowing more, is just trying more honest and earnest prayer. I always recommend starting where you're at and not being ashamed to be very frank, open, and honest with the Lord. I like to think that He really respects our honesty and openness.... I would tell Him, very directly, that you desire more communion with Him, but you're feeling anxious about it, and ask Him to give you a greater and deeper love for Him. Ask Him for the grace to earnestly anticipate to the Eucharistic communion with Him. So much of this is relational as well. If you don't know Him well enough, the desire to partake of the Body and Blood isn't quite there yet... He's a Person, and that's the closest that we can get to Him this side of the world to come. Once you come to know Him as a Person, and see that He has a kind of personality and particular relationship with you that's very special and singular, I think you will come to desire the communion more eagerly as well. So I would just ask Him very directly for greater knowledge of Him as a Person and for Him to enter into deeper relationship with you.
The Lord is so generous, but He's a gentleman, unlike the pagan gods who would literally possess people with little to no consent. And I think He knows what He's like, and He knows that His existence in your life will upend it in all kinds of ways, so there's a desire I think He has to sort of have us as believers be at least aware of that -- as much as we can -- before we invite Him in. He wants to know that we know what we're getting into with Him. So one has to treat Him as a very courteous guest in your home. You'll have to invite Him in and tell Him where He can sit and develop that relationship over time. Practically speaking, this can look like a daily surrender, trying to remember Him first thing the morning, say "Good morning, God, thank You for my sleep", making sure He's the last thought on your mind as you fall asleep, or surrendering a difficult work situation or praying for someone you'd rather rage at, or talking with Him and praying in your daily commute home from work. Even little simple daily things that you need help, or would like, are good opportunities to practice inviting Him in and seeing what He does in your life, developing that relationship, that trust.
As you see more and more of Him, you'll feel a lot more comfortable getting to that day where you Him, "Okay, here are the keys, would you like to move in? You can do what you want here now."
And when you get to that point is when your life will become extremely interesting.
I also cannot highly recommend enough asking the help of the Theotokos: she alone had full earthly communion with the Lord when He was in her womb.
What a thoughtful response! I will work on trying some of your suggestions. It is hard to separate general anxiety from trauma-induced anxiety. I have CPTSD, and certain things trigger me. For some reason, I get triggered by most services. I also seem to have some issues with sensory stimulation. Things going on outside of my body will eventually be going on inside my body. All of this becomes a snowball that gains momentum as it rolls downhill. Thank you again for such a long and thoughtful response!
Trauma is so hard. I think in those cases, for people who have CPTSD, it can be difficult to let the Lord love us because we fear revisiting our trauma. That can be a trap that the enemy sets for us to prevent our ultimate healing and growing closer to Christ. So that would be my particular advice to you: don't allow any fear of vulnerability you have around your trauma to keep you from the Presence of the Lord, because that is the path to your healing. Ask for all the help you need; there is so much grace available to you. Even asking something like, "Lord, help me let You love me" will be met with so much love and grace. Don't be afraid of His Love, that's the path to healing. I will pray for you.
Thanks for this. I relate on so many levels! I've been Orthodox for 11 years and I feel stuck in the Narthex. I'm always more comfortable on the threshold looking in. I last about 20 minutes in a service and then I start getting very very anxious. What do you make of this situation? I'd rather commune with the Logos in a field or by a stream.
Hi Blake,
The fact that you're even asking is a sign of grace; you should know that.
It's difficult to give very specific advice not knowing more, but I'll try to cast a quite wide net in the hopes that there's something in what I say below that is of help to your specific situation, or may be of help to any other passers-by. So forgive the meandering. But at the outset, I don't think your situation is all that uncommon for many Christians.
If I remember the Orthodox liturgy with any degree of accuracy, I would anticipate that about 20 minutes in, the liturgy is beginning to shift away from the readings and toward the preparation of Communion. Is that right? (And I apologize for my use of any Catholic terms that don't quite translate over to Orthodoxy as well. Orthodoxy is its own world in many ways!)
Have you read any René Girard? If not, he proposes a theory of "mimetic desire" -- we want things because other people want them; this can result in scapegoating violence that "resets" societies and allows them to continue in peace, and Christ alone is the One Who "reveals the things hidden since the foundation of the world", that the Innocent Victim, manifested fully in the Person of Christ, is the groundswell of the world.
So I actually think it's extremely natural that you would have anxiety, particularly if it's as you approach Communion. It's not comfortable for us ordinary people to look at this reality directly, because we're all complicit to one degree or another in this violence against the Innocent Victim. "It hurts too much to look", like Moses at the burning bush... In one sense, the path to sainthood could be viewed as a progression to becoming more comfortable approaching the Innocent Victim as they are. Theosis is a kind of burning off. That's not necessarily enjoyable, in and of itself. So I think of course you would want to commune with the Logos in a field or by a stream, in nature, far removed from the reality of eating the Flesh and Blood, the cannibalistic meal of human sacrifice that is told to you directly (as it only is in Christianity) and explains to you who you are. The stream or the field gives your mind space from this. If you're interested in reading Girard, I recommend "Violence and the Sacred" (I would read this one first) and "I See Satan Fall Like Lightning", the latter of which is exclusively focused on the Christian story. His magisterial work is "Things Hidden Since the Foundation of the World" but it's quite a dense tome.
But what do you do about the anxiety? I think you can only overcome the anxiety of approaching the Innocent Victim -- the anxiety of becoming deconstructed in front of Him -- with desire, desire for His Love, and desire to know Him. You may have had the experience of falling in love with someone who was absolutely reckless, highly argumentative, difficult, and terrible for you, and all sorts of the wrong person, but you were compelled by your desire for them, being captivated by their beauty, their charm, certain quirks of their personality, to move toward them, be closer to them... It's sort of like that with the Savior, I think, but with all the terrible parts replaced with only good things. You want to become really moved by Him such that you can't imagine ever moving away from the spot by the burning bush, even if you know, on some level, that you'll be consumed in it, too....
But how do you do even that? Prayer, surrender. A lot of prayer, but it has to be the transformative kind. It's extremely, extremely easy in the Christian life to see prayer as a checklist, something to be done, but that's not quite it. In my own experience, there's a way of praying where I'm consciously praying and I'm consciously encouraging my heart while I'm praying to move closer toward Him, to open up more to Him, earnestly trying to will myself into a desire further union and communion with Him. I'm not just saying the words -- but that is meaningful, too -- but I'm using the prayer as a means of accessing a deeper state of union with Him.
Where I would recommend starting, not knowing more, is just trying more honest and earnest prayer. I always recommend starting where you're at and not being ashamed to be very frank, open, and honest with the Lord. I like to think that He really respects our honesty and openness.... I would tell Him, very directly, that you desire more communion with Him, but you're feeling anxious about it, and ask Him to give you a greater and deeper love for Him. Ask Him for the grace to earnestly anticipate to the Eucharistic communion with Him. So much of this is relational as well. If you don't know Him well enough, the desire to partake of the Body and Blood isn't quite there yet... He's a Person, and that's the closest that we can get to Him this side of the world to come. Once you come to know Him as a Person, and see that He has a kind of personality and particular relationship with you that's very special and singular, I think you will come to desire the communion more eagerly as well. So I would just ask Him very directly for greater knowledge of Him as a Person and for Him to enter into deeper relationship with you.
The Lord is so generous, but He's a gentleman, unlike the pagan gods who would literally possess people with little to no consent. And I think He knows what He's like, and He knows that His existence in your life will upend it in all kinds of ways, so there's a desire I think He has to sort of have us as believers be at least aware of that -- as much as we can -- before we invite Him in. He wants to know that we know what we're getting into with Him. So one has to treat Him as a very courteous guest in your home. You'll have to invite Him in and tell Him where He can sit and develop that relationship over time. Practically speaking, this can look like a daily surrender, trying to remember Him first thing the morning, say "Good morning, God, thank You for my sleep", making sure He's the last thought on your mind as you fall asleep, or surrendering a difficult work situation or praying for someone you'd rather rage at, or talking with Him and praying in your daily commute home from work. Even little simple daily things that you need help, or would like, are good opportunities to practice inviting Him in and seeing what He does in your life, developing that relationship, that trust.
As you see more and more of Him, you'll feel a lot more comfortable getting to that day where you Him, "Okay, here are the keys, would you like to move in? You can do what you want here now."
And when you get to that point is when your life will become extremely interesting.
I also cannot highly recommend enough asking the help of the Theotokos: she alone had full earthly communion with the Lord when He was in her womb.
What a thoughtful response! I will work on trying some of your suggestions. It is hard to separate general anxiety from trauma-induced anxiety. I have CPTSD, and certain things trigger me. For some reason, I get triggered by most services. I also seem to have some issues with sensory stimulation. Things going on outside of my body will eventually be going on inside my body. All of this becomes a snowball that gains momentum as it rolls downhill. Thank you again for such a long and thoughtful response!
Trauma is so hard. I think in those cases, for people who have CPTSD, it can be difficult to let the Lord love us because we fear revisiting our trauma. That can be a trap that the enemy sets for us to prevent our ultimate healing and growing closer to Christ. So that would be my particular advice to you: don't allow any fear of vulnerability you have around your trauma to keep you from the Presence of the Lord, because that is the path to your healing. Ask for all the help you need; there is so much grace available to you. Even asking something like, "Lord, help me let You love me" will be met with so much love and grace. Don't be afraid of His Love, that's the path to healing. I will pray for you.